If I Could Keep you Little

Dear Isaac;

I can feel your breath on my skin, your head nestled in the bend of my elbow, and your cute bum tucked in my right hand. Your legs, all cozy in your blue and white striped footy PJ's, and they're draped over my lap. When did you ever get so big? Slow down a bit, pretty please. ~ xxoo Mommy

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Some of you will think this is crazy and some of you will find this normal. But, I was parted from him for the first time the other day. It felt so strange to be more than 100 feet away from him when he has gone everywhere I have gone in the last 4 months. I felt this tug to get back as soon as I could. Fearing that he needed me or would have separation anxiety. It's nice to feel needed. Meanwhile, I knew that he was surrounded by love. I whizzed through my errands as fast as I could. For, I was the one with separation anxiety. And he was once within me, my flesh and blood. And, since entering this crazy broken world, the distance between us has never been more than half a football field away. I recalled reading about a Mbuti Pygmy tribe and their custom for mother and newborn. It is not until the third day after the birth of her child that mother and babe leave their womb shaped leaf hut. During those three days she rocks and sings to her baby as she did while he was still in her womb. She might sit close to the doorway so he can slowly adjust to the bright light of his new world. And, I think on the adjustment it was for me to move him to his own room. And, I wonder how we will handle it when I go back to work, or when he steps on the school bus for the first time, when he gets his drivers license, and when he goes off to university. I know all of these experiences will be hard, but as he grows, he is going to need to find his own way. He can know, though, that his parents will always be there for him. We will never be far away.

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It's a tumultuous world we live in where the weakest don't have a voice and the hunger for wealth seems to trump all else. And, this new mama is trying hard not to worry but to trust and to be content in every circumstance. How now do I live for God when I'm now living for my son and family? I think on the story of the Isaac of the Bible. Isaac was the promised son to Abraham and Sarah in their old age. His name means laughter. God commanded Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. And, Abraham, trusted so much in the Lord that he was about to give Isaac as a sacrifice knowing that God would really never ask that of him. And right at the last moment, a ram was provided to take Isaac's place as the sacrifice. And I'm sure I couldn't do what Abraham did, especially if I had a hard time leaving him for 15 minutes. I would tell God "No, sorry God, but I don't have the strength to. I would give anything, everything I own, my air, but not that." And, in doing so, I'd be saying "God, You're not worth it. You are not number one in my life. My family takes priority over you."

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I want to make my God the first priority in my life. But, now that I'm a mama I can see God falling by the wayside. Instead of saying "It's all about Him" now, I find myself saying "It's all about the other him in my life, my son." I have two lights of my life and I struggle to give priority to the great I Am. And, the God who knows my inmost, knows me by name, knows the number of hairs on my head, has slipped even farther down the priority list. How do I reverse this? How do I pay special attention to following Christ while being a mother? So,I  pray for my son just as much as I do for myself. That I may love You, God, first and then my family. Because, that way I can only love them more. Because God is love and you cannot experience the fullness of love if you have not loved God. I pray that all my actions and words no matter how menial may be a reflection of that love. That in the grunge and grime of every day I may be thankful because my family is clothed and fed and warm and sheltered and loved. That even the most mundane of tasks can be done with my heart trained on God.

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:11 

"Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men." Colossians 3:23

And, that revelation gets me through. I know that loving God first is a powerful witness to not only my son, but to those around me.

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And, when I can't be by my son's side, I pray that You, God, may wrap your loving arms around him, that he may have the peace of Christ with him and come to know the love of his Heavenly Father. That he may feel grounded in faith that it brings him home even when he is not home. And, this is my prayer for all children. That they may feel surrounded by love, a love that takes them home, even if they don't have a home.

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Yes, Jesus "Wubs" Me and We "Wubs" him too!

Isaac 3 1/2 months - hanging out with Dad at lunch time

Isaac 3 1/2 months - does not usually like tummy time but is getting there!

This book really spoke to my heart. "If I could keep you little I'd keep you close to me, but then I'd miss you growing into who you're meant to be."

Just when I think that I'm getting my groove thang down - I learn something new. Some of the best advice I've received - Babies change so fast, so hold on to them a little longer and forget about your messy house!